Soham writes

Hum Hindustani

2006-11-23T15:21:00.000+05:30

Bengali

One Bengali = poet.
Two Bengalis = a film society.
Three Bengalis = political party.
Four Bengalis = two political parties.

Bihari

One Bihari = Laloo Prasad Yadav.
Two Biharis = booth-capturing squad.
Three Biharis = caste killing.
Four Biharis = entire literate population of Patna.

Punjabi

One Punjabi =100 kg hulk named Pinky.
Two Punjabis = Pinky with his bigger brother Twinky.
Three Punjabis = assault on the McAloo Tikkis at the local McDonalds.
Four Punjabis = combined IQ equal to one.

Mallu

One Mallu = coconut stall.
Two Mallus = a boat race.
Three Mallus = Gulf job racket.
Four Mallus = oil slick.

UP Bhaiyya

One UP bhaiyya = a milkman.
Two UP bhaiyyas = halwai shop.
Three UP bhaiyyas = a fist-fight in the UP assembly.
Four UP bhaiyyas = mosque-destruction squad.

Gujju

One Gujju = a share-broker in a Bombay train.
Two Gujjus = rummy game in a Bombay train.
Three Gujjus = Bombay's noisiest restaurant.
Four Gujjus = stock market scam.

Andhraite

One Andhraite = chilli farmer.
Two Andhraites = software company in New Jersey.
Three Andhraites = Naxalite outfit.
Four Andhraites = song-and-dance number in a Telugu movie.

Kashmiri

One Kashmiri = carpet salesman.
Two Kashmiris = carpet factory.
Three Kashmiris = terrorist outfit.
Four Kashmiris = shoot-at-sight order.

Tam-Brahm

One Tam-Brahm = priest at the Vardarajaperumal temple.
Two Tam-Brahms = maths tuition class.
Three Tam-Brahms = queue outside the U.S consulate at 4 a.m.
Four Tam-Brahms = Thyagaraja music festival in Santa Clara

Bombayite

One Bombayite = footpath vada-pav stall.
Two Bombayites = film studio.
Three Bombayites = slum
Four Bombayites = the number of people standing on your foot in the train at rush hour

Sindhi

One Sindhi = currency racket.
Two Sindhis = papad factory.
Three Sindhis = duplicate goods shop in Ulhasnagar .
Four Sindhis = Hong Kong Retail Traders Association.

Marwari

One Marwari = the neighbourhood foodstuffs adulterator.
Two Marwaris = 50% of Calcutta.
Three Marwaris = finish off all Gujaratis & Sindhis.
Four Marwaris = threaten the Jews as a community.

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Who Earns, How Much?

2006-11-23T14:58:00.001+05:30

Shah Rukh Khan

Profession: Actor
How much: Rs 247 per minute

The King Khan, who started off modestly as a 'Fauji', made about Rs 13 Crore last year. This included his endorsement deals for Pepsi, Hyundai Santro - and of course, wetting himself in a bathtub, Surrounded by women for HLL's Lux. How much per minute?

Brij Mohan Lall Munjal

Profession: Chief of Hero Group
How much: Rs 255 per minute

The patriarch of the Hero Group received the Life-time achievement Award for 'Excellence in Corporate Governance' by the Institute of Company Secretary of India this year. Brij Mohan Lall Munjal earned About Rs 13.4 crore last year. He continues to be the world's largest Motorcycle manufacturer and fuels his bank balance with Rs 255 per minute.

Sachin Tendulkar

Profession: Cricketer
How much: Rs 1,163 per minute

India's most loved sportsman makes a lot more than most CEOs of Indian Companies; going by his annual remuneration for 2004-2005. Breaking it Down, his three-year contract for endorsements is worth Rs 180 crores. He is also paid Rs 2,35,000 for a five-day test match and Rs 2,50,000 for one dayers.

A little bit of elementary math: This highest paid cricketer in the World makes around Rs 61.15 crore a year, or Rs 1,163 per minute.

Dr A P J ABDUL Kalam

Profession: President of India
How much: Rs 1.14 per minute

Before taking on the reins of this country, Dr A P J Kalam played a Leading role in the development of India's missile and nuclear weapons Programmes - so much so - that he's fondly referred to as the 'Missile Man'. In the early 1990s, he served as scientific adviser to the Government, and his prominent role in India's 1998 nuclear weapons Tests established Kalam as a national hero. For all his work in his Present capacity as President of the world's largest de mocracy, Kalam Draws an annual remuneration of Rs 6,00,000 or Rs 1.14 per minute.

Mukesh Ambani

Profession: CMD of Reliance Industries Ltd
How much: Rs 413 per minute

Head honcho of the $16.5 billion Reliance Industries Limited, Mukesh Ambani was ranked the world's 56th richest man in Forbe's list. But Since this is only about salaries (and the like), we'll completely Ignore his other earnings. Last year, Mr Ambani earned Rs 21.72 crore; A neat growth of 87 per cent over his previous year's earnings. He Makes not less than Rs 413 per minute.

Amitabh Bachchan

Profession: Actor
How much: Rs 361 per minute

"Kaun Banega Crorepati?", Apparently, Mr Bachchan! With more Endorsements and film releases per year than successful actors half His age, Bachchan's take-home last year was around Rs 19 crore - that's Rs 361 per minute.

Dr Manmohan Singh

Profession: Prime Minister of India
How much: Rs 0.57 per minute

An economist by profession, Dr Singh has formerly served in the International Monetary Fund. His economics education included an Undergraduate and a master's degree from Punjab University; an Undergraduate degree from Cambridge; and a doctorate from Oxford University. One of the most educated Indian prime ministers in History, Singh also served as the finance minister under prime Minister Narasimha Rao. In his present capacity, Singh is paid Rs 3,60,000 annually, I.e. Rs 0.57 per minute.

Indra Nooyi

Profession: New Pepsi Chief
How much: Rs 2,911 per minute (from October 11)

Chennai-born 50-year-old Indra Nooyi was the Chief Financial Officer (CFO) of PepsiCo, the US-based soft drink major. In that capacity, her Remuneration stood at $5 million (over Rs 23 crore). With her Promotion this year, Nooyi becomes one of the highest paid CEOs in the World, with an announced remuneration of $33 million (approximately Rs 153 crores). This means Nooyi makes a whopping Rs 2,911 per minute.

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Life is Unpredictable

2006-11-23T14:05:00.000+05:30

640K ought to be enough for anybody…
-- Bill Gates, 1981

Airplanes are interesting toys, but they have no military value…
-- Marshal Ferdinand Foch in 1911

Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons…
-- Popular Mechanics

Everyone is at peace and happy and they all hop around from cloud…
-- Britney Spears, on heaven

Everything that can be invented has been invented…
-- Charles H Duell

I loved Jordan. He was one of the greatest athletes…
-- Mariah Carey, on death of King of Jordan

In 1939 The New York Times said the problem of TV was that people had to glue their eyes...

It doesn't matter what he does, he will never amount to anything…
-- Albert Einstein's teacher

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Banta Once More

2006-10-07T13:39:00.000+05:30

After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, Banta Singh and his wife Preeto decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each others throats for some time and felt that this was their last straw.

When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion.

"What seems to be the problem?"

Immediately, Banta held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, Preeto began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage.

After 10 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down.

Afterwards, Preeto sat there - speechless. He looked over at Banta who was staring in disbelief at what had happened.

The counselor spoke to Banta, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!"

Banta scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here on wednesdays and saturdays.

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Bad Mistake

2006-10-07T13:35:00.000+05:30

1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.
2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking.
I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds.

I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.

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A Lighter Side -- Panda Story

2006-08-31T14:56:00.000+05:30

A panda bear walks into a bar and orders a sandwich. The waiter brings him the sandwich. The panda bear eats it, pulls out a pistol, kills the waiter, and gets up and starts to walk out. The bartender yells for him to stop. The panda bear asks, "What do you want?" The bartender replies, "First you come in here, order food, kill my waiter, then try to go without paying for your food."
The panda bear turns around and says, "Hey! I'm a Panda. Look it up!"
The bartender goes into the back room and looks up panda bear in the encyclopedia, which read: "Panda: a bear-like marsupial originating in Asian regions. Known largely for it's black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."

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A Nuclear Scenario

2006-08-31T14:53:00.000+05:30

During the Cold War, if USA launched a nuke-loaded missile, Soviet satellites would inform the Soviet army in 3 seconds and in less than 45 seconds Soviet counter-missiles would be on their way. Recent studies commissioned by US department of Defense included one on nuclear war between India and Pakistan. This was their scenario.................

The Pakistan army decides to launch a nuke-missile towards India. They don't need any permission from their government, and promptly order the countdowns. Indian technology is highly advanced. In less than 8 seconds, Indian army detects the Pak countdown and decides to launch a missile in retribution. But they need permission from the Government of India. They submit their request to the Indian President. The President forwards it to the Cabinet. The Prime Minister calls an emergency Lok Sabha session. The LS meets, \but due to several walkouts and severe protests by the opposition, it gets adjourned indefinitely.

The President asks for a quick decision. In the mean time, the Pak missile failed to take off due to technical failure. Their attempts for a relaunch are still on. Just then the Indian ruling party is reduced to a minority because a party that was giving outside support withdraws it. The President asks the PM to prove his majority within a week. As the ruling party fails to win the confidence vote, a caretaker government is installed.

The caretaker PM decides to permit the armed forces to launch a nuclear missile. But the Election Commission says that a caretaker government can not take such a decision because elections are at hand. A Public Interest Litigation is filed in the Supreme Court alleging misuse of power by the Election Commission. The Supreme Court comes to the rescue of the PM, and says the acting! PM is authorized to take this decision in view of the emergency facing the nation.Just then one of the Pak missiles successfully took off, but it fell 367 miles away from the target, on its own government building at 11.00AM. Fortunately there were no casualties as no employee had reached the office that early. In any case, the nuclear core of the missile had detached somewhere in flight.

The Pakistan army is now trying to get better technologies from China and USA. The Indian Government, taking no chances, decides to launch a nuclear missile of its own, after convening an all-party meeting. This time all the parties agree. Its three months since the army had sought permission.

But as preparations begin, "pro-humanity", "anti-nuclear" activists come out against the Government's decision. Human chains are formed and Rasta rokos organised. In California and Washington endless e-mails are sent to Indians condemning the government and mentioning "Please forward it to as many Indians as possible". On the Pakistan side, the missiles kept malfunctioning. Some missiles deviate from target due to technical failures or high-speed wind blowing over Rajasthan. Many of them land in the Indian Ocean killing some fishes.

A missile (smuggled from USA) is pressed into service. Since the Pakistan army is unable to understand its software, it hits it original destination:Russia. Russians successfully intercepts the missile and inretaliation launches a nuclear missile towards Islamabad. The missile hits the target and creates havoc. Pakistan cries for help. India expresses deep regrets for what has happened and sends in a million dollars worth of Parle-G biscuits. Thus India never gets to launch the missile. \Pakistan never gets it right. And both live happily ever after !!!!!

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Male Logic

2006-08-08T13:24:00.000+05:30

A man and his wife in court getting a divorce. The problem was who should get custody of the child.
The wife jumped up and said: 'Your Honor. I brought the child into the
world with pain an labor. She should be in my custody. The judge turns
to the husband and says ' What do you have to say in your defense?
The man sat for a while contemplating..then slowly rose. Your Honor.
If I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Pepsi comes out.. whose Pepsi is it .. the machine's or mine?

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2006-07-08T11:34:00.000+05:30

Football's worst misses have been wonderfully compiled into the video below, check it out.

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2006-07-05T16:07:00.000+05:30

A new vacuum cleaner salesman knocked on the door on the first house of the street.A tall lady answered the door. Before she could speak, the enthusiastic salesman barged into the living room and opened a big black plastic bag and poured all the cow droppings onto the carpet. "Madam, if I could not clean this up with the use of this new powerful vacuum cleaner, I will EAT all this s...!", exclaimed the eager salesman.

Do you need chilli sauce or ketchup with that" asked the lady. The bewildered salesman asked, "Why, madam?"

"We just moved in, & there's no electricity in the house!"

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2006-07-05T12:28:00.000+05:30

Some quotes by the great Chanakya (Indian politician, strategist and writer,350 BC-275 BC).

"A person should not be too honest. Straight trees are cut first and Honest people are screwed first."

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"Even if a snake is not poisonous, it should pretend to be venomous."

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"The biggest guru-mantra is: Never share your secrets with anybody. ! It will destroy you."

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"There is some self-interest behind every friendship. There is no friendship without self-interests. This is a bitter truth."

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"Before you start some work, always ask yourself three questions -
Why am I doing it, What the results might be and Will I be successful.
Only when you think deeply and find satisfactory answers to these questions, go ahead."

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"As soon as the fear approaches near, attack and destroy it."

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2006-07-05T11:33:00.000+05:30

How to create a list of files in a directory, using VB Script. Find the sample code below..

On Error Resume NextDim fso, folder, files, NewsFile,sFolder
Set fso =
CreateObject("Scripting.FileSystemObject")
sFolder = Wscript.Arguments.Item(0)
If sFolder = "" Then
Wscript.Echo "No Folder parameter was passed"
Wscript.Quit
End If
Set NewFile = fso.CreateTextFile(sFolder&"\FileList.txt", True)
Set folder = fso.GetFolder(sFolder)
Set files = folder.Files
For each folderIdx In files
NewFile.WriteLine(folderIdx.Name)
Next
NewFile.Close

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2006-07-03T11:40:00.000+05:30

Professors of different subjects define the same word "kiss" in different ways:

Prof. of Computer Science: A kiss is a few bits of love compiled into a byte.

Prof. of Algebra: A kiss is two divided by nothing.

Prof. of Geometry: A kiss is the shortest distance between two straight lines.

Prof. of Physics: A kiss is the contraction of mouth due to the expansion of the heart.

Prof. of Chemistry: A kiss is the reaction of the interaction between two hearts.

Prof. of Zoology: A kiss is the interchange of unisexual salivary bacteria.

Prof. of Physiology: A kiss is the juxtaposition of two orbicularis oris muscles in the state of contraction.

Prof. of Dentistry:A kiss is infectious and antiseptic.

Prof. of Accountancy:A kiss is a credit because it is profitable when returned.

Prof. of Economics:A kiss is that thing for which the demand is higher than the supply.

Prof. of Statistics: A kiss is an event whose probability depends on the vital statistics of 36-24-36.

Prof. of Philosophy: A kiss is the persecution for the child, ecstasy for the youth and homage for the old.

Prof. of English:A kiss is a noun that is used as a conjunction; it is more common than proper; it is spoken in the plural and it is applicable to all.

Prof. of Engineering: Uh, What? I'm not familiar with that term.

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